John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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