OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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