if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize