Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
