If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize