Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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