Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
