I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
