Can i not drive my cunt home
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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