Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
