Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
