When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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