I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
