im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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