so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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