I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
