Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
