why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize