Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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