What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
