And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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