Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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