So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
