How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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