I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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