quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
