Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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