there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
