I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
