I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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