I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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