just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
