I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize