dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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