Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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