Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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