just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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