Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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