i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
