whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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