I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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