He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
