her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
