Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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