my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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