my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
