I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
