she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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