i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
