I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
