my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
