How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
