making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
