god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
