I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
