I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
