I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
even my farts smell like vagina
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
