How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
