She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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