Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize