I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
