I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
