last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
